Each couple in the lifestyle makes different rules to protect their relationship. These rules will often evolve over time to better match what works for their relationship. Some swingers may not like your rules or you might not like their rules. That is totally ok. We all respect each other and know that our own relationship takes priority over any swinging connections.
At the end of these temporary swinging encounters, we’re all going home with our own significant other. No one wants to drive home unhappy, screaming about what did or didn’t happen during playtime. Play it safe, follow the rules, and only go as fast as the slowest person in the group. Don’t pressure anyone to break or bend their rules.
Here are some sample personal rules to talk over with your partner to see if you want to follow them or not.
No “Taking One For the Team”?
This means that neither of you will play if either of you isn’t attracted to their play partner (or just doesn’t feel like playing). No one is going to suffer through something they don’t enjoy just so their partner can have a good time. You should try to learn what each of you likes in a play partner, and figure out some way to communicate whether it’s a no-go or full speed ahead. Using codewords or signals can be helpful.
This is a common rule for first timers, who often drop it quickly once their comfort level rises. If you are a first timer and it makes you feel more comfortable, use this rule. Many people find it hard not to kiss during sexy time, so they may decline to play with you – but that’s their loss!
No Full Swap (No Penetration)?
Another very common rule. Some couples prefer to only engage in soft swap. Kissing, caressing, groping and oral – all of which are very hot – is what they want. Many lifestyle beginners start this way and some veteran full swappers migrate to this rule over time. It can help defuse emotional issues, ease STI worries, and remove a lot of the stress and performance anxiety that come with full swap.
Same Room vs Separate Room Play?
Earlier, we chatted about same room vs separate room play. There are pros and cons for each, and you can decide for yourself what’s really a pro and what’s a con. You should talk with your partner to figure out what is comfortable for both of you. Some couples are ok with separate play dates, others are only comfortable with the girls playing separately with each other, and still others want everyone involved together at all times. There are lots of possible arrangements, so figure out what you both want. Be ready to change this rule – and any other rules on the list – over time; people evolve, relationships evolve, and feelings evolve. Your rules should evolve, too.
No Backdoor Play?
Butt play is much more common in the lifestyle than in the vanilla world because swingers know how to tenderly take advantage of those sensitive nerve endings. There are some truly talented swingers who know just the right way to engage in finger play or backdoor sex. If your partner has some big male anatomy you might not have liked it in the past, but in the lifestyle you might find some men with just the right sized equipment for you to enjoy it. You might not be ready for this or want to reserve it for your special partner. As always the choice is yours.
Some couples won’t repeat play with the same couple within a certain timeframe (one month, six months, a year, whatever) to avoid any emotional connections. This helps keep swinging confined to physical enjoyment and away from your personal emotional relationship. Other swingers like this rule so they can enjoy more sexually variety in life. You can adjust this rule to fit your liking.
No Solo Communication?
Figure out how to handle communications so there are no surprises or secrets. Often, a couple will have the man manage their online profile(s) so the lady doesn’t need to deal with any annoying fakers pretending to be swingers. Once you make contact with a real couple, how are you going to handle ongoing communication? Some people love online flirting, while others find it causes emotional angst. One solution is no solo chats. You can start up a group text, which is easier than trying to get everyone on a group call.
Chat with your loved one to figure out your condom policy. Do you need condoms for oral? Will you play with another couple who doesn’t always use condoms? There are some couples that have sex without condoms in the lifestyle, and you should talk with your partner about your comfort level before you encounter them.
Avoiding or Seeking Unicorns?
Single ladies, AKA unicorns, can be awesome. Single ladies are definitely in high demand in the lifestyle. Most swinging single ladies are amazingly awesome. Some unicorns might place extra requests to help them feel safer and more comfortable with a couple or single guy. This extra work makes some couples not interested in playing with unicorns. Even a super awesome unicorn who does nothing wrong can expose some sticky issues in your relationship, because threesomes rarely end up with all three people having perfectly equal amounts of attention. Some couples prefer to keep things simpler and stick with only other couples so no one feels left out or ignored.
There is usually plenty of booze at swinging parties. Just like illegal drugs, drinking too much rarely leads to good decisions. Drinking too much can also lead to accidental rule-breaking. You might want to set limits on the booze. Most swinger guys naturally drink less, because no one wants to have an alcohol-induced failure to launch when they’re surrounded by hot ladies. Newer ladies tend to be more likely to over imbibe as they drink away their nerves. Be safe and watch your alcohol intake – and keep an eye on each other’s intake, as well. You might not want to go home yet, but if your partner has had too much to drink, you’re probably better off taking a time out or leaving early.
These are just some of the rules that couples will have. Don’t be surprised if some couples break their own rules mid-play. It can certainly happen when you are caught up in the moment, but you should never encourage someone to break the rules. Matter of fact, feel free to remind people it is generally not wise to change rules in the heat of passion when people rarely are thinking with a clear mind. You should always respect their rules just like you want them to respect your rules. Of course also respect the lifestyle party rules if you are playing at a club or swinger event.
There is no right or wrong set of rules. You should think about what will work and won’t work for your relationship. It is common for couples to reduce their rules as they spend more time in the lifestyle, and replace a strict rulebook with a few basic principles like play safe, have fun, take care of each other.